eggmatters

Conspire-a-Thon! (Ode to the tin-foil hat)

2009-12-01T16:36:34Z

I've decided that I'm a closet conspiracy theorist. I'm having some issues, however, deciding which conspiracy theory holds the most weight to be valid. So, I've decided to profile the top theories in my mind and share them with whomever may be interested. So, here goes:

The New Math: Jeff Bezos' Kindle + 1984 = Double Plus Good

So, I was thinking to myself, "What the heck is this kindle thing (it's an electronic device that allows you to download and read books on a subscription basis, apparently)? After ruminating for some time, I realized that a kindle must be a piece of kindling - something to start a fire. What better kindling could there possibly be than a book? Could this have been Bezos master plan all along?
The Kindle is a fulcrum in a plot by which Bezos means to control every essence of the printed word. You can't just march into a library and start blotting out noisome phrases and what not. Best to control all of that information digitally, where you can do it right under people's noses and torch the physical copies. If you're real smart about it, turn all of the physical copies of books into bio-fuel.
Once all of this media is consolidated and controlled, and the only way to read a book will be with the kindle (Which I suspect, by this time, will rightfully be called the "log") All of the data, relevance will either be censored, replaced with pictures or advertisements or some such combination. A kind of Fahrenheit 451 for the modern era. Any information Jeff Bezos deems unsuitable will be stricken from the body of literature and replaced with more delightful Orwellian overtures.
This is a good theory and it would completely scare the shit out of me except for the fact that I want to be in on it. Even if it's not true, I would do everything to be one of the ones to make it true. My retirement package? Don't worry about it, I own everything ever written.
Next Week: The Kennedy Assasination: Who gives a shit anymore?

DJ Hero

2009-11-14T20:29:56Z

So they've got this new video game now called DJ Hero. And I ask, how could that be any different from being an actual DJ? I mean - how is a video game going to make moving the armature of a turntable onto a spinning piece of vinyl any easier?
I mean guitar hero replaced frets and chord patterns with buttons but isn't that all that a DJ uses?? Last time I looked at a DJ mixing console, there's a slider and some knobs. Kind of like a - I don't know - game controller maybe?
Guitar hero is one thing, Just as long as the masters of guitar hero realize that it's a game and does not amount to actual, viable, musical talent, I'm ok with that.
So, how does DJ Hero and guitar hero differ from the real thing? I mean anybody can learn to play a passable guitar quickly. For the amount of money you would spend on the game console, game and accessories, you could buy an actual guitar and be playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by the end of the day.
I would assume the same stands for a starter DJ kit. Get a passing turntable, 2-channel mixer, raid a yard sale for some old vinyl and you're set. As far as DJ talent: stand in front of a record player, move the vinyl back and forth a couple of times, and guess what? You're a DJ.
I completely realize that the following would be a bitch to market but I'm putting it out there anyways:
What I think they should have is "Classical Composer Hero" I can't spend $400 bucks and put together a symphony orchestra. As far as talent? I would love nothing better than to stand around waving my arms around to Mahler's 5th or Dvorak's New World Symphony but the real thing is way, way more complicated than that. I would buy that game.
Here are some other suggestions I would consider:

Banjo Hero: Paddle faster motherfucker.
Theramin Hero: The trick is making a controller that doesn't exist.
Grateful Dead Backup Musician Hero: Cheap game. The whole console, controller and game consists of a boombox and a bong. Mix it up by lacing the pot with pcp.
Sitar Hero: This one actually should be done.
Porn Music Producer Hero: There needs to be more games marketed to today's youth that satisfies their masturbatorial needs as well.
Kazoo Hero: Back in my day, I used to make kazoos out of a used toilet paper rolls, some wax-paper and rubber bands (no lie).
Corporate Record Producer Hero: The object of the game is to make Metallica turn against everything they've ever stood for.
Busker Hero: This one has to wait until they make a television that can kick over your hat full of change on the sidewalk.
Anal piano teacher Hero: I know it sounds trite but let me tell you, the graphics will be amazing.
Minimalist Composer Hero: Care will have to be taken. As there is only one minimalist composer, I think that really is an awesome representation of minimalism itself. Market the game a little, perhaps, just don't make any.

Feel free to add.

More Star Trek Poetry

2009-09-25T18:23:12Z

Alrighty then. Why not beat a dead horse and exhaust a franchise when that's about all your feeble mind can comprehend. I certainly can't fathom why not. So after such a long hiatus, this is why I am proud to present my latest Star Trek installation. Read that piece of shit. It will be good. It will be so good, I haven't even written it yet. Anybody on Facebook who has arrived here. Definitely check out some prime posts. I highly recommend "Sleestak Lightning" "Where were you the day they invaded the earth?" and the original Star Trek Poetry. So here is my shot at it:

That Vulcan is Tripping Balls Again

What is it with this guy?
For being 'emotionally detached'
he sure seems to have a penchant for
becoming completely unhinged.
Jesus, look at him.
He's practically foaming at the mouth.
Whats gotten into him this time?
Some Pon Far sex rage?
Alien happy spores?
Or is he just drunk off his ass again.
Fucking Vulcans man
Hypocrites
Meh

So, there you have it. Hope you like it. I'm kind of on the fence. It could quite possibly suck ass. Except for the title. That's brilliant. I wish I could've just written that and called it good. Like some type of dadaist minimalism. Yeah, maybe next time

Mark Spitz is a Douchebag

2008-08-12T17:17:50Z

So I read this article: Mark Spitz whines like a douchebag and was trying to take it all in. After realizing that I could really care less, I read on. Essentially, Mark Spitz's seminal accomplishment of obtaining 7 gold medals during the Olympics is about to be toppled by Michael Phelps who is on his way to earn eight. The funny thing is that the Olympic committee didn't even bother to invite him (Spitz) to the show. He is outraged, demeaned and slandered. "Gosh!" I thought, what a dis! Knowing the Olympic Comittee, themselves, to be sacks - perfectly capable of maintaining a gentle wash of vinegar to a woman's undercarriage - seemed undeniably culpable of this snub. Their intentions seemed based out of either: a gross oversight due to ineptitude, a political move, or just an outright snub. It may seem the latter is applicable. Reading the article, Spitz waxes on in such a way that:

"I never got invited. You don't go to the Olympics just to say, I am going to go. Especially because of who I am,"

Gosh Mark, I seem to have some vague memory of trying to emulate you when I was swimming at the YMCA when I was like . . . Eight. That was 30 years ago. I'm sure all of those who are not swimming or Olympiad fanatics have forgotten who you are. Care factor: zero.

"I am going to sit there and watch Michael Phelps break my record anonymously? That's almost demeaning to me. It is not almost -- it is."

So just don't go then. Here is (in your mind) a most historic event which will be forgotten by 90% who watch except for your tiny world. And you don't even want to see it? I see a Major Regret At Your Deathbed type of thing emmanating here.

"I won seven events. If they had the 50m freestyle back then, which they do now, I probably would have won that too,"

But they didn't and you didn't so you uhhhh . . . . didn't. Let's try to reduce the grandstanding here buddy - it really doesn't look well for an Olympian Athlete (Bodie Douchebag anyone?)

"He's almost identical to me. He's a world-record holder in all these events, so he is dominating the events just like I did," Spitz said. "He reminds me of myself."

Is This Phelps Dweeb a real class-A Douchebag? What else reminds you of yourself Mark? Could it be when you look in the mirror and recite your motivational speeches? The article states that Douchebag Spitz now is a stockbroker and motivational speaker. Holy fucking cow Man! Give the ego stroke a little rest and let it ride brother. I am now of the firm opinion that the Olympic National Committee didn't invite you to your little party simply because, you're a dick. If you really gave a shit about what this dude was going to do (Phelps eclipsing DB Spitz) Then you would go no matter who the hell invited you. But you lack so much integrity, that you can't even swallow your own insignificant pride and see somebody - god forbid - do better than you. Fuck off Douchebag.

Some suggestions for when people get you down:

2008-07-28T15:50:46Z

Some days, just not everybody is going to be on your side. When that happens, I find the following suggestions can help ease that feeling of anger and resentment towards others into more of a calming, peaceful feeling:

1. Pursue something creative. When feeling overly annoyed or bothered by people, I tend to make decorative decanters out of their skulls with which to drink their blood, or perhaps a necklace made from their ears.

2. Try standing atop a mountain of slain enemies, as scantily clad as possible, wearing some sort of stylized yet ineffective armament holding a giant battle axe still dripping the blood of your vanquished foe with an even more scantily clad member of the opposite sex at your feet in total abject submission to you. You will literally feel your worries just melt away.

3. Practice forgiveness by not only turning the other cheek, but gain a friendship from those who annoy you. That way, once you have earned their total trust, you can begin to sow seeds of doubt and dischord into their lives. Do it subtly without their ever suspecting you. Then, when it all comes crumbling down for them, you can taunt them in any way you choose. I prefer to mix it up a bit by combining suggestion 1 with this method.

4. A hobby is a good way to relax and let the day's tensions ease off of you. I prefer arson.

5. I can't remember this next one. Something involving a giant piece of salt cod and maybe some type of retarded cat. It honestly escapes me.

6. I read this in a book but it's a good one: Hire some teenage miscreants to sneak into the house of your offenders unnoticed. Perhaps while they are away on a vacation. Have them take photographs of eachother, in the offender's bathroom, wearing nothing but easter-bunny masks and with the offender's toothbrushes firmly inserted into their respective anuses. Mail these pictures, anonymously, to your offending party some time later. Make sure they get the toothbrusn-in-the-butt part of the shot though. Otherwise, they just wont get it.

7. Learn from spiritual guides. Emulate them in every way possible. This always helps. Except - I suggest that when you are about to say something profound to your followers, exchange a reference to something spiritual to that of something more earthy. Like: "The path to my butthole is trod as if upon a razor's edge." or "What would John Holmes do?"

8. Music is a great device to help ease your worries away. When people get the best of me, sometimes I rig their house with hidden speakers that play unhearable but present sub-sonic tonal versions of David Hasselhoff's and Lionel Ritchie's greatest hits in an endless loop.

Holy shit. It's been a while. Been busy at work. New Poems though!!!

2008-03-20T18:02:51Z

Yeah so here ya go:

The Chicks on my Bus are Hot (Part II)

I take a different bus now
There's still hot chicks on it
but some homely-ass crackwhores too
Gals who really have let themselves go
One of them asked some guy for directions
and I was thinking,
What the hell are you talking to him for?
He's reading the Fountainhead by Aynn Rand
for Fuck's sakes.

The Punk rock Art Show:

At the punk rock art show
they had
some paintings of beercans
pictures of dudes with mohawks
shit like that
pretty pedestrian
If I had a punk rock art show
I would have a painting
with a recessed cavity
so that when you looked at it
a stick would pop out
and poke you in the eye.

What Do You Have To Say? - My Sixth Grade Jam

2008-01-17T20:09:52Z

What was your favorite song in sixth grade? What does it make you think of?

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Would I lie? Mr. Roboto by STYX!! Domo ari-fucking-gato. With "Lonely is the Night" by Billy Squire closely following. Why would I lie? It made me think of . . . Robots and loneliness . . . in the night. Because that was what the 80's was all about. You could really feel the beat . . . of the night . . . and back then, saxophones were cool. As long as it was in rhythm with the beat . . . of the . . . night . . .

What Do You Have To Say? - My Sixth Grade Jam

2008-01-17T20:07:58Z

What was your favorite song in sixth grade? What does it make you think of?

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Would I lie? Mr. Roboto by STYX!! Domo ari-fucking-gato. With "Lonely is the Night" by Billy Squire closely following. Why would I lie?

Food mart items that sound like (or are) sex acts:

2007-12-20T23:50:32Z

More updates. More food marts, more snack foods. Working on more sex acts:

Sausage Tidbits

Oreo Fudge Rings

Now Updated!
More Entries:

Salty Nut Log (Is it a sex act? It's gotta be a sex act)

Hot Tamales

Icee

Hot Lunch (sex act)

Bottle opener

Slushee

Fruit cup

Gummy chews

Veggie burrito

Tossed Salad (sex act)

Hot links

Cheese filled hot links

Pickled eggs

Giant Kielbasa

Deli Pickle

Mentholated rub

Spicey picante sauce

Juicy juice

Mad Dog 20/20

Nature calls. And it's calling you an asshole . . .

2007-12-07T20:31:25Z

My buddy . . . my . . . drummer - just had a kid. The lil fucker's name is Griffin. I haven't heard a peep since the bastard popped out. Here is how I check for an update:

Hey Grant. Just wanted to check in on you and see how the lil' G-money Junior is doing. What are we gonna call him? G-coinpurse? So you know that a Griffin is a cross between a horse and an eagle right? You knew that right? (shoulda joined me and Morgan for some good ol' D&D if not) That's why my first born is gonna be named Cockatrice ( a cross between a chicken and a dude! Can you dig it? You prolly know it as Torrefazione's logo) So . . . lemme know how in the hell your firstborn is and if I can borrow him for an evening sometime for some "rituals" Don't worry. We won't like, sacrifice him to the dark lord or anything. He'll be the richer and wiser for it. Honest. Take care G!!

Hail Satan

Matt

SO yeah, I seriously wouldn't sacrifice the kid or anytthing like that but what I didn't tell Grant is that we would, most likely, cut him up a little.

And I'm out

Happy Diwali Everybody!

2007-11-09T22:47:41Z

So me and Angela were having a disucssion about Indian Holidays. The following is an exerpt from our IM sesh:

Angela says:
happy diwali!

Matthew says:
shoot

Matthew says:
I forgot to do the mongongozeb dance

Matthew says:
and crack the diwali poombah stick

Angela says:
what is the poombah stick

Matthew says:
oh well in Diwali

Matthew says:
usually the disharma will take the sacred flaffle bom

Matthew says:
and recite the pucky butter song

Matthew says:
and then all of the winkles will unscrew their caps

Matthew says:
and then everybody sleeps for 20 minutes

Matthew says:
so after all of that

Matthew says:
you're going to need a poombah stick

Angela says:
right, of course

Angela says:
i'm fresh out of poombah sticks

Matthew says:
yeah
Matthew says:
I totally forgot

Angela says:
i just told my indian friend what you said

Matthew says:
oh no

Angela says:
and she had no idea what you were talking about

Angela says:
!!

Angela says:
did you make that stuff up, matthew?

Matthew says:
umm
Matthew says:
yes

Angela says:
oh no!!!!!!

Angela says:
now i look like an ass
Angela says:
haha
Angela says:
she was like, i don't know what he's saying

Matthew says:
ummm
Matthew says:
yeah
Matthew says:
I thought that was obvious

Angela says:
no!!
Angela says:
my friend is now laughing at me
Angela says:
i was like, "do you have your poombah stick?"
Angela says:
she goes what???

Matthew says:
Are you serious?

Angela says:
and i read the thread you wrote
Angela says:
i don't know!!!!
Angela says:
she was like, my what stick?
Angela says:
i go, it's your holiday you tell me

Matthew says:
that is choice
Matthew says:
Can I post that part on my Live Journal?

Hot Sauce!

2007-11-03T00:35:52Z

I have always adored spicy hot sauce. I put it on everything. I put that shit on chocolate cake. Theres nothing better to avoid the taste of something shitty by smothering it with hot sauce. Avery Island is one of the most sacred places in America. Why do you think it was spared from Katrina? Just like that commercial with God splashing hot sauce on a pizza, missing, and accidentally smiting bitches with heavenly fire, that's not embellishment - It's truth. I will go for you specialty "holy-shit-fire" hot sauces, sure. But even I have to draw the line at Dave's Insanity. I really dig the stuff they make from Habaneros though:

That shit is gooooood. But why in the fuck would I want to eat something that's just pure capsacin? Back in the good ol' grunge days, at Moe's, they had this killer brunch. It was cheap, well done and good. Best of all, they had this golf caddy thing made into a chili with these little shelves on it. The shelves were stalked with about 50 different brands of hot sauce. Take that bitches! Man, people said that the food was good. All I knew is that it was there to bathe in Screamin Hot! Frank's (It was Durkees back then), Cholula, Tapatio, Crystal, and a bunch of others I was too hungover / drunk from the night before to remember. Ok so here's the deal, Say you're feeling the burn, that shit is about ready to peel your mouth inside out because you ate a scotch bonnet. You drink water but it doesn't do shit. Why? Because capsacin is an oil and guess what? Oil and water don't mix do they? You drink some pop but all the carbonation does is drive the capsacin further into your, ever so tender, pain receptors. So what works? Anything? Dig this y'all. Bread. Yup, I said it - Bread. The porous, spongy nature of the bread mops up all the capsacin from your mouth. Just make sure to rub your eyes vigorously later.

Oh yeah, and they have these hot sauces with naked ladies on 'em now. That's pretty nifty if you ask me.

Some signs that your child may be the antichrist: a halloween poem

2007-10-24T07:20:27Z

What are all these people doing fucking in my lawn?

There is a broken record
Rejoicing in similitude it brings no warmth
what pain is there to have of it?
Just dull senseless platitudes

Can anyone tell me who keeps putting all of these dead rats in the sink?

I can profuse all of my toothless wisdom
It is nothing to any ear
just a memory shrouded by verdigris
of inured flesh
Purposeless
feeling and unseeing
shattered by stabbing logic

Since when could the cat recite a latin mass, backwards?

Shadows fall with planets
the ecliptic fails
everything sucks towards the sun
death by heat shall rule
until all grows cold
and an entropic virtue prevails

I have an issue with blood. Especially when it's squirting out of eyeballs. Seriously.

You and I shall rule a cold plain
inherit the death of all things
for the sins we waged are egregious
they will weigh the most upon the universe
and no one will be there to laugh at us

Review of Dune, by Frank Herbert

2007-10-11T19:12:18Z

I was filling out my profile on Good Reads and thought I'd share it with you here. All like 2 of you.

This is the best book ever written. Cerebrally stimulating for anyone. When we attempt to understand why entertainment of this caliber (Lord of the Rings, Star Wars) and mass appeal (Harry Potter) resonates so strongly with us, many are quick to utilize Jungian archetypes to support such effects.

I haven't heard it said for this novel and for good reason, I believe. Herbert didn't draw upon existing archetypes to flesh out his story, He created completely different new ones. Herbert's vision was such that in his far-flung future, not only did he imagine how technological and socio-economic circumstances might change, which are defining factors for the SF genre, he drafted how consciousness itself would evolve. The characters in Dune may resemble some sort of Jungian / Campbellian hero vs. anti-hero but, their actions, thought patterns and mannerisms are affected by 10 thousand years of evolution. The same amount of time has elapsed since we as Cro-magnon stepped onto the recently thawed lands as the last ice-age receded.

Herbert is able to draft these neo-humans not in a different, alienating light either. There is much in these characters that is to be admired, envied and adored. Paul Atreides, the main crux and fulcrum of the novel, is attempting to follow a dangerous path in life as he finds he has the choice to evolve even further to what very well may be a 'godhead.' Fueled by revenge for his father and hounded by his enemies and the very environment that surrounds him, he plays with fire as he discovers new found powers his perceptions of the universe offer him under the effects of the spice, melange.

Guiding him is his mother, Jessica. She is the bound concubine of Duke Leto, Paul's father and a powerful priestess in a secretive sisterhood, the Bene Gesseret. She guides Paul to his new found provenance by instructing him in the secret ways of mind and body control espoused by the sisterhood. They both are refugees on the intolerable planet Arrakis, or Dune, where no rain falls and the planet is swathed in inhospitable dessert. They find unlikely allies in the Fremen, indigenous peoples of the dessert who live by hard means and hard ways.

All of this is surrounded by a backdrop of plausible political intrigue and complicated detante, certain morality tales and sub themes and action - that in perfect Herbert Style - hit the ground running.

If you have seen the David Lynch movie version or perhaps the sc-fi channel's mini-series adaptation, I still recommend you read this book. I would gather that about 85% of what occurs in the novel is purely cerebral and cannot be expressed visually. Besides, how could anyone hand over the musical theme for Muad `Dib, the Kwisatz Haderach to some washed up band like Toto? (Although, I do have to admit they did a good job of it.)

You should read this book!! If you don't own a copy, or do not intend on buying one. Get a hold of me and I will send you one.

My idea for a first date would be . . .

2007-10-04T00:38:26Z

I posted this on a dating site. People actually respond to it positively. Others don't however:

"nice walk in the park, followed by a twisted evening of mayhem and fire setting. And then a nice walk on the beach would be nice. As long as the beach was the shore of Lake Cocytus."

So yeah, that's it. FYI though, if you got the reference to Lake Cocytys, good for you. That's 2 points off your Catholic Guilt. If not and in case you were wondering, Lake Cocytus is a frozen lake in the last circle of hell in which Satan himself is entrapped. The lake is the effect of Satan's frozen tears. The purposefully malignant are trapped within. So when someone says, "When hell freezes over," you can shake your head, look forward and squint your eyes into the distance and say in a quiet, yet forceful, melodramatic tone, "It already has brother. . . It . . .already . . . has."

Just some e-mail going around:

2007-10-03T23:27:49Z

On 10/3/07, Jennifer wrote:
we are a go for 3. i repeat, we have a green light for 3.

On 10/3/07, Matt wrote:
Ok then. Just FYI, I'm tracking a couple of bogey's in the Nor'eastern Quadrant, I've got the chief of staff on the 'horn' and he says that we are a go for Defcon 2. Better get our boys in the air and some boots on the ground.

On 10/3/07, Jennifer wrote:
Don't let them get off your radar. Bring the schematics and we can go over them in 10.

On 10/3/07, Matt wrote:
I'm on it

On 10/3/07, Jennifer wrote:
Hear the thunder?

On 10/3/07, Matt wrote:
Thunder? I thought it was the first wave of low-yield short range ballistics hitting the west coast.

On 10/3/07, Jennifer wrote:
You tell me!? That was your job!

On 10/3/07, Matt wrote:
my main focus right now is to get AF One off the ground and figure out how to keep India and Pakistan from starting a spastic exchange that may just set the air on fire. I've go two PM's on the phone plus I'm missing about 7 B-1's headed straight in with fully loaded payloads with unconfirmed rumors of said missing aircraft touching down gently, lovingly if you will, in some, as of yet, unnamed russian airfield. We're starting to get radar confirmation that their long-range carriers have penetrated our secret ACBM shielding which I've got yet, another contractor from Lockheed on the line swearing that that definitely could not be happening. I've half a mind to dispatch an apache, get his ass up to SATCOM and sit him down right here in front of the main feed, shove his head into the screen and say, "Tell me this isn't happening 20 minutes from now fuckwad!"

What Do You Have To Say? - Extreme Sports: Idols

2007-09-29T03:34:51Z

Tell us about the sport idols that have made an impact in your life.

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I would have to say, Jesse Owens. As a child, my father had us run track. From about 5-6 years old on up. He wasn't, in my memory, one of those typical soccer dad's who freak out and beat up the other dad's or coaches because his kids didn't do so well. It was odd though that he hired a personal trainer cum coach to teach us how to run track. I was . . . 7 at the time I think. I have to admit that my father was never angry at us if we did poorly. He would only express disappointment if we didn't try hard enough.

I was ok at track. Not a feral prodigy by any means, but held my own. I may have been something if I was not hobbled by a bad ankle, more coordinated and . . . well . . . better at it. But Jesse Owens always stood out as a benchmark as an athlete. He represented a certain amount of integrity. He never gloated about his abilities or victories. He always carried himself with a sense of decency and decorum. He imparted wisdom. He would tell you how he won, it was then up to you if you wanted to beat him.

Jesse Owens also served as a perfect tool of national pride during the 1936 Olympics. Hosted in Berlin during the height of Nazism, this "schwartze amerikanishce" obliterated all competition and set records held until the 70's, disgracing Hitler and his ideals of superior race.

One time, I complained to my father that I felt hampered at the starting line because I would get so nervous before a race. My father quoted Jesse Owens with an aphorism that will live with me for all time:

"If you don't have butterfly's in your stomach before a race, you might as well get off the block and go back to the locker room becuase, that race isn't worth running."

How to travel backwards and forwards in time and shit

2007-09-28T01:27:31Z

Travel into the future will extensively use Einstien's Special Theory of Relativity, so I will refrain from making a formal academic reference but I highly recommend John Archibald Wheeler's "Spacetime Physics" as an excellent primer for Special Relativiity.

So the following is, as you requested, an attempt to explain how time travel is possible. There are 2 distinct theories in physics that address this. Travel forward in time is a direct result of Einstein's Theory of Special Relativity and has been proven beyond any amount of inscrutable uncertainty to be possible. Travel into the past is a side-effect of Einstein's General theory of Relativity and may or may not be possible. This will be addressed later in this treatise but some of the assumptions which need to be made for this to occur result in quite a bit of shoulder shrugging and hand wringing. Wittgenstein once said, "Sometimes you just have to let the fly out of the bottle."

Travel into the Future:

Einstein shocked the world when he announced his conclusions arrived at by the Theory of Special Relativity. Investigations into the kinetic energy of newly found sub-atomic particles led to the famous assertion that matter is energy and is approximated by the famous e=mc^2. The main thrust of the theory of Special Relativity dealt with travel at or near the speed of light. Michelson and Morley showed in a famous experiment that light travels the same speed no matter what it's direction or velocity. This violated common intuition and a well established notion of Galilean relativity. What the problems Einstein faced are too complicated to go into here, so they will have to wait for another time. Needless to say, A famous physicist, Hendrik Lorentz proposed that the aether contracts around light causing it to appear to have the same velocity. The Michelson Morley experiment disproved that. Lorentz was on to something though. Einstein believed that it wasn't the aether that contracted but time itself.

Setup of the Michelson Morley apparatus

So here is a thought experiment to understand the implications of this. Say that you're on a spaceship with enough room to throw a ball a few feet around. Lets say the spaceship is moving at a happy 100 km per second, 1/3rd the speed of light. let's say you have a good arm and for computational purposes, you can chuck a ball at 10 km / second. So let's say you throw the ball forward to the bow of the ship. The balls velocity, relative to you, will be at 10 km / sec. The balls velocity, relative to a stationary observer - outside of the ship, as the ship goes by will be 110 km/ sec. the ball's velocity from your arm plus the spaceship's velocity.

Maxwell proved that lightspeed is finite. Nothing can travel faster than light through space. So what happens if we ramp up the velocity of the spaceship to 299,995 meters per sec, 5 m / sec just below the speed of light. Now let's throw the ball forward again, imparting a velocity of 10 meters / sec. the ball's velocity, relative to us will be a staggering 10 m / sec and we see it cruise, merrily towards the bow of the ship As we normally would see anywhere else. According to an observer, stationary, outside of the ship. He or she will observe the spaceship traveling at it's prescribed 5 m / sec below light speed, but what about the ball? Since nothing can travel faster than light, the observer see the speed of the ball at 300,000 m / sec. That of light. (The constant for this value is known as 'c' for some reason.) Where did the extra 5 m / sec go? What Einstein postulated was somewhat groundbreaking as far as out-of-the-box thinking is concerned.

What happens is this: Time for the spaceship (you the ball, etc.) is altered relative to the time that passes for the observer. Let's say you throw the ball against a wall on board the spaceship, which is 5 m away and now you throw the ball at a meager 10 meters / second. let's say you precisely time the interval between the ball bouncing back to you. The ball travels 10 meters total and at 10 m / sec, the time takes one a second. The observer, outside the ship, has sophisticated apparatus and can set his or her stopwatch to measure the time it takes for your ball when you throw it. Since the ball for the observer is traveling at 300,000 meters per second, the observer measures a time of 1 300,000th of a second compared to your one second. Time for you is passing that much faster relative to the stationary observer and vice versa. You are, for all intents and purposes, traveling forward in time. With that much time dilation and contraction, on year for the observer would pass in what you would percieve as about 11 minutes (this figure is not accurate as I believe there may be other factors and or constants with the actual time dilation.) So, let's say that your observer is a your twin. You will come back after a trip of only a day and your twin will be either dead and gone or near to it. So be careful out there please!

Poppycock! You may say. As weird as it sounds, the math bears out and is not at all hard to understand. Various methods have been done to try and prove this theory. One interesting one is that scientists put very accurate atomic clocks on space shuttles synchronized with ones on the ground. They match up the clocks at the end of missions and, even though the space shuttle does not travel anywhere near the speed of light, the accuracy of the atomic clocks is still fine enough to show a discrepancy.

There you have it. Travel into the future. Go fast. The faster you are, the slower you will be.

Travel into the Past:

Einstein expanded his theory of relativity to the more encompassing "General Theory of Relativity" This deals with how gravity and mass affect light and spacetime much in the same way velocity does. Einstein claims that gravity "warps" Space around it. He uses the famous rubber mat analogy to explain this. Imagine a rubbeer mat in which is placed a giant steel ball. it presses the mat down, compressing the "space" around it. Roll a marble along the mat and it will be "attracted" to the steel ball because the space in which it is traveling itself is warped around the larger object.

So One of the implications of this theory is that a mass can be so heavy that not even a particle of light can escape. This what a Black Hole is. The mass is now called a point singularity. Now this point singularity may be so fine that it pokes a hole through spacetime much like a heavy pointy object would our proverbial rubber mat. Now, since we have illustrated that spacetime can bend, Perhaps we can poke a hole through to another point in space! This is what is the literal extent of a wormhole popularized by science fiction these days. Now, I'm going to plagiarize and turn this over to Kip Thorne who uses this concept, coupled with what we just learned in Special relativity, to explain:

A wormhole through curved spacetime

"When analyzing this issue one can show that time hooks up through the wormhole in the same manner as it hooks up outside the wormhole. A good example of showing this fact would be if you suppose two hypothetical wormholes. One of them would be in your home, and the other one would be traveling away from Earth at nearly the speed of light. Also suppose that, despite the relative motion of the wormhole mouths its distance through it still remains 30 centimeters long.

A wormhole traveling at relativistic velocities

There are two frames of reference at work here. As seen by the external Universe, the two mouths move in different reference frames. Therefore the mouths must experience different flows of time. On the other hand, the interior of the wormhole sees both mouths as being at rest with respect to each other. This means that the mouths must experience the same flow of time.

Now suppose that the one moving away from earth is inside someone's spaceship. The traveler and you both put your hands inside the wormhole and hold hands, and then the traveler takes off. The traveler goes at nearly the speed of light, and travels 6 hours out and 6 hours back, so the trip takes 12 hours as measured by the traveler. All the while the traveler and you were holding hands. Now that the traveler's trip is over, they send a message telling you to stop holding hands, so you let go. Because of relativity, this trip took 10 years to people on earth. So you wait the 10 years, and sure enough you see the travelers ship return, only he is still holding someone's hand through the wormhole. You stick your head through and discover that it is you only 10 years younger!"

There you have it. Travel into the past. Unfortunately, you cannot travel any further back in time than when the trip began, so you can't go back and kill your grandmother before you were born according to this theory. But you can kill yourself. Wouldn't that fucking rule!

Difficulties with wormholes:

It sounds so nice and pat that a singularity can create a wormhole but there are two major fundamental questions that need to be answered before this can be accepted beyond the idle musings of physics theorists and science-fiction writers.

One major problem with the existence of wormholes is that of the event horizon. This is a radius which extends from a singularity where the gravitational force is strong enough to trap any photon of light. Depending on the mass of the singularity, this radius can extend to great regions beyond its point space. Event horizons destroy all physics and therefore, anything that passes their boundaries. Wormholes need to be singularities without event horizons. The only explanation that Thorne and Hawking can give is the existence of some exotic matter which can suppress the event horizon somehow. So, at this point the argument is purely theoretical based on fictitious assumptions.

The other problem is propelling mass away from the singularity at the other end. The idea of a wormhole initiated as a black hole from which nothing could escape. Unfortunately, this would bode true at the other end - when one came out on the other side - as well.

Super-string theory hints at "infinite" amounts of energy held at the realm of the very small. That's 10 to the minus 32 cm^3 of space. This space compared to an atom will be the size of an atom compared to the universe. Science fiction has hopped on this concept however and perhaps this untapped universal energy will be that which fuels exotic matter and the force to propel one from the other side intact. We will probably not be around to see it but at least we live in this exciting time where these theories can be expressed and written down for further generations to explore.

Oh yeah, and if you have to pass through a singularity (i.e wormhole), it will have to be one particle at a time. That's a tough one too.

And another thought just occured to me. If the ship is traveling away from you across the curvature of space, would that not affect the relative distance between the two wormhole mouths? I'll need to draw a pretty diagram.

Games to Play with your friends!!!

2007-09-27T00:10:04Z

It's called "Test Your Loyalties" The basic gist of it is, you put your friends up to silly antics by asking them to do things that will make you feel bad. Now, why would a friend do something that would make you feel bad? That doesn't sound like a good friend does it? Haha! here is where the real fun starts. It's because you NEVER TELL THEM!! Get it? It's fucking genius. Force your friend (who soon will be found out for the sniveling rat that they really are) to actually ASSUME what your values and feelings are. Never let them really know. As a matter of fact, spice it up a little. Tell them that you believe in THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what your true values and beliefs are. That way it makes it that much more hard for them to discern your true nature. It's like salting a football field with landmines. Then, just sit back and watch the fun (and the fur) fly!

A perfect example of this, and of course the scenario I'm alluding to, is the classic detante` practiced by King Harold of Saxony and William of Orange. These men were two cousins who were great friends but were forced via political intrigue to become bitter rivals. This rivalry eventually led to the invasion of Saxony by William in 1066 and the famous battle of Hastings. William subsequently defeated Harold Ending 300 years of Saxon rule. Not only is this event considered the birth of Britain as we know it but may have been one of the most seminal moments in the development of the English language.

So here is the Test Your Loyalties Gaming Strategy:

1) Assess your feelings, make a list of things that piss you off.

2) Profess to uphold a value system which espouses these things

3) Convince or otherwise coerce your friend into acting or performing one of these reprehensible acts.

4) Shame them and confuse them and accuse them of taking advantage of your feelings and intentionally and maliciously hurting you.

5) Bonus points if you can cause them to commit suicide.

Christmas wish:

2007-09-26T20:58:41Z

Please buy this for me, bitchez.

http://store.theonion.com/herbert-kornfeld-commemorative-tee-p-126.html

Sleestak Lightning: An Investigation of the Apocryphal and Archetypal in "Land of the Lost"

2007-09-25T18:48:03Z

Many of today's earlier generations may have missed out on what may have been a shining moment in television's brief but turbulent history. Another interpretation, of course, may have spared these generations hours of agonizing torture wasting valuable time deemed so precious to young minds these days.

I speak, of course, of the hit television show, "Land of the Lost" of which I have had the pleasure of viewing recently on dvd re-release. My abilities in critical thought must be waning as I recall being nearly repulsed and not all that entertained as I languished in front of the television on those Saturday morning cartoon marathons. Syd and Marty Croft merely provided poorly crafted banal pablum until the golden hour of Warner Brother's Bugs Bunny would arrive. Poor production, atrocious acting and stop-motion clay animation that looked like it came out of my basement "Kraft Korner" rather than some hollywood studio were not lost on my nascent mind.

A few years ago, some friends of mine attempted to convince me that the common image we see for aliens is not at all derived from intergalactic visitors but, rather a race of subterranean, saurian creatures who evolved in parallel with us. I laughed at them and said, "Oh, I think your are confusing these creatures with the Sleestak, of Land of the Lost." They were not having any of my crazy banter but I could not help but notice a seemingly primal fascination with subterranean serpentine humanoids and the direct correlation to how they were presented in the show.

In a seminal episode, penned by none other than Walter Koenig - Chekov, of Star Trek fame, it is revealed that the Sleestak are indeed Saurian creatures whom have actually devlolved from a more advanced species. Remnants of ancient Sleestak architecture lay scattered everywhere as Marshall, Will and Holly who, upon setting out for a routine expedition find themselves trapped in the Land of the Lost try to piece together remnants of this ancient technology to return back to their own time.

It is in this realm where we meet many strange and interesting creatures. Marshall and family are forced to confront the pre-hominid "Pakuni" in an obvious gesture of the modern human's urge to return to it's primeval status so evidenced by the Modern Primitive movement and Wiccan. It's all here folks. Top that with a land whose most defining topographical feature is a circuitous river which travels underground before returning to it's point of origin, and I would say that our "Land of the Lost" is none other than the Jungian Collective unconsciousness.

Grumpy, the antagonistic Tyrannosaurus Rex, represents our fears, anxieties and obstacles. We must always be on the lookout for but can easily outwit and manage as long as we remain rational.

This is why I feel proud to announce a new sophistry, a new epistemology, what I wold like to call our "inner Cha-ka" Chaka, as you recall was the Pakuni youth who befriends the stranded humans over the course of the show. Here is where all of our inhibitions and worldy excess melt into the purity of innocence which is Cha-ka. We must strive to find our inner Chaka and let his voice speak for us all.

What Do You Have To Say? - Extreme Sports: I've Tried It

2007-09-24T18:07:31Z

What's the most extreme sport that you've tried?

Brought to you by HP | Vote for Contest Winners!

View 206 Answers

I have more than one answer to this:

1) Garbage Chugging

2) Class War Instigation

3) Testicular Volleyball

4) Nantucket Sleighrides

5) Spin the Bottle (Kill Self)

6) Pious Devotion to Multiple Deities Across Numerous Faiths Competitions

7) Cambodian Sleighrides

8) Porridge Fastening

9) Celebrity Insult Challenges

10) Extreme Shaving

11) Whore-offs

Poem: Where were you when they invaded the Earth?

2007-09-22T03:00:32Z

Where were you when they invaded the Earth?

People say they always remember where they were
the day they invaded the earth
I know I do
I was totally smashed
in a bar hitting on this girl
thought I stood a chance
that's how drunk I was
put up my dukes
and tried to fight 'em

what was that thing?
some sort of cosmic cattle prod?
laid my drunk ass out

Now they've got me working this salt mine
they've mastered interstellar travel
gravity
energy fields
but I'm busting rocks like a fucking Neanderthal
and they're total assholes about it too
Jesus, they don't even let us drink beer or anything
Oh yeah and they've segregated the men and women as well
nice going dickbags
One time, when one of them wasn't looking,
I peed in its drink

Catching up with Star Trek Poetry

2007-09-21T21:03:22Z

This is the best thing I've ever written. Ever:

Ok, here's some fucking Star Trek poetry

Yeah, great. Woo hoo. Here it is. Here is some fucking Star Trek poetry. Mind you, this is some pretty goddamn good Star Trek poetry. This ain't no piece of shit Star Trek poetry. This is what I would consider, class A, number one american baddass Star Trek poetry. So if any of you assholes out there are totally into this godamn pisshole Star Trek poetry then here you fucking go:

Poem #1

Star Trek Haiku

Ensign, I want you
to go and check out that rock
and don't die this time

Poem #2

The Engineer's Wilderness

Why is it
that every time
I have to calibrate
the power coupling relays
up here in this Jeffries Tube
I always seem to find
the Chief Engineer
Scotty
hiding
alone
pounding scotch

Poem #3

Untitled

Galvanized by the repartee
between Riker and Worf
starlight bright as a thousand suns
erupts on deck 12
quicktime now as her brilliance decends
this romulan beam
this nude hater
this propulgater of death
our blood is up
these two gallant sires
and their words of steely resolve
there now emerges
a silent thought
as the air slowly hisses away
I should have double checked that deflector array

Poem #4

Ode to the Onion

"Play some aldeberan blues"
she said
my timing was off and scattered
like a ferengi playing 3-d chess
with a vulcan
those forehead wrinkles
were not the forehead wrinkles of anything
I've ever seen before
not the forehead wrinkles of a Cardassian
not the forehead wrinkles of a Bjoran
no no no
these forehead wrinkles launched a thousand
nebula class starships
and those forehead wrinkles
wrinkled my heart
for all eternity

Poem #5

Spock's not talking about it

Spock's not talking about it
and I won't either

I'm not saying anything
about lax security around the shuttlecraft

our captain's utter disregard
for the prime directive

sexy computer viruses

energy field warp creatures

You'd think we should've been
thrown out of starfleet
aeons ago

but hey

we somehow managed
to not be turned into piles
of dust

let psychopathic killers
turn our ship against the galaxy

or be consumed by rock beasts,
modern romans, nazis
or the like

So it all must even out in the end
highly logical